Divorce & Fear: Don’t Drink the Poison Expecting It Will Kill Someone Else

A wise mentor and friend told me that.  Mary Heafner also taught me this:  in family court, cooperative parties win.

But cooperation seems impossible when parties are stuck in cycles of fear, anger and retribution.

Clients make it worse by claiming the need for an ‘attack dog’ lawyer, or the like. But those characters are no more effective than the ‘attack dog’ believer who blows up an airplane; the ‘attack dog’ journalist who ambushes a candidate; or, any other dysfunctional dolt who mistakes personal cra-cra as service to others.

Fear in a divorce drives the bumpy ride. It dictates the course and the tolls charged by the lawyers and others who share your journey. Dysfuction is expensive. Truthfully, lawyers sometimes drive the crazy train.

But it only takes one sane party to stop that train.

Divorce = Change . . .  Change = Fear

Divorce is about change . . . and change causes fear through our loss of the known — and frustrated hopes from what we thought we knew.

Worse, fear grows into a poisonous concoction:  anger and a desire for retribution against the agents of change who messed with our comfort zones.

Whether the agents are former lovers, new rivals or terrorists, agents of change make us fearful, angry and ready to kill, kill, kill.  Fear messes with our heads and screws up our lives.

But it’s the fear, itself, that does the damage.  Change alone is not poisonous.  Divorce itself is not our problem.

Know your fear;  own your fear;  and conquer your fear.

Knowing My Fear

Most of us love our children, our stuff and our lives. We’ll do what’s necessary to protect it all. Most people really, truly will do ANYTHING if we’re sufficiently fearful.

No judge, saint or chanting believer (anywhere) is exempt from that truism.

Owning My Fear

I became a divorce lawyer several years after my own divorce. My transition into being a divorce lawyer (and every case along the way) helps me deal better with many painful aspects of my own life.

Mostly, it helps me fight the poison of fear itself.

Rational living requires rational thinking and rational acts – there’s no room for lingering fear in a rational life (or the anger and retribution it begets).

We’re only truly free, rational thinkers when we learn to let go of . . . wake up from . . . and break free of . . . our own philosophies of fear . . . and the scaredy-cat narcissists who pimp them (they need to get real jobs, I think).

Conquer the Fear: Don’t Engage Crazy

But any perceived ‘threat’ to our children, our comfort and our property has its way of making us irrational – and, often, downright crazy.

So as 2 other wise friends (also daughters of Venus) constantly remind me:  don’t engage crazy.   Indeed, silence is power.  I sense that I’m better for accepting these truths.

To me, that approach works on a personal level (as individuals) and on a societal level with the assorted groups of sheep and cattle who claim  INJUSTICE!  (or, END TIMES!)  every time there’s a happening contrary to their understanding.

For some reason, crowds of people equal crazy.  One-to-one, we make some beautiful music.

But too often: Crowd = Crazy.

True, there are some genuinely, objectively crazy people ‘over there’ (whether next door, on Facebook, on television . . . and, of course, always  . . . those people).

But if you don’t engage the inmates (and mingle much with the herd), you’ll survive the poison.

Red or Blue? Don’t drink the cool-aid.

Black or White? Don’t sip that tea.

Truth: don’t drink the poison expecting it will kill someone else.

Divorce = Tomorrow

You’ll survive divorce if you don’t drink your poison. You don’t HAVE to engage crazy.

Yes, your former lover might be recording everything you do (in fact, it’s best to assume that they are, because they’re crazy-scared, too).   But you don’t HAVE to engage them – not through the kids or other shared relationships and not through social media.

Yes, it’s irrational to distrust every interaction . . . but change makes us irrational sometimes, so just take a pass on those poisons — give my dysfunction a try.   No prophet, chosen ones or magic glasses necessary — keep your tithes, don’t hurt anybody and, most importantly, mind your own business.

Your divorce will pass.  Change will happen.  But in the process:  know the fear;  own the fear; and kill the fear . . . not your tomorrow.

Remember my Venus . . .  Silence = Power.

I do.

Happy Families

In other recent cases, Clients raising an undocumented child since her birth successfully navigated international notice provisions to attain conservatorship and protection for their child.

In a pro bono case, a disabled client saved her home, along with the home of her disabled adult child, through combined persistent actions in both Probate Court and Civil District Court.

In another well-publicized pro bono case, a Client ‘without a country’ who struggled for a decade to navigate State and Federal courts as a ‘foundling’ finally attained documentation. A smarter lawyer finished that fight, but I was credited with an assist.  Glad to help!

The Journey

I am grateful for the lessons my clients have taught me.  The clientele which made me has been diverse, including skin tones having every degree of melatonin and souls expressing all manner of beliefs (including, None).  I love and serve my gay, lesbian and trans brothers and sisters as fervently as ‘cis normative’ kin folk.

But, that said, let’s endeavor to avoid further labels limiting who we are.  We each have our journey.

When we start the journey in my office, we strive to  see one another as we truly are.  That’s because, I think, the journey is about connection and soul growth, not fear-based power struggles.  Let the kids amuse themselves with their labels and their nomenclature, as if either endures.

You can always step off that playground.

If you hire me, I’ll help you as much as I can.

There may be a shared journey ahead for us.

If so, I’ll need to step inside to find the path.

Costs for the Journey

I love my work.  But the law is a jealous (unforgiving) mistress.  It’s difficult for me to impress upon others that the life of a self-employed lawyer can be utterly frustrating and exhausting.

But the price is worth it because I value living the examined life.  Alas, however, I am neither dope, woke, nor are my services inexpensive.  I charge $350.00 to $400.00 per hour, along with a 4- to- 5-digit ‘evergreen’ retainer.

I want to fight the Dark Side of the Force with you.  But even Han Solo had to pay the Empire’s self-employment taxes.

After the Fact: You Got Next, If You Choose It

If you already surrendered to the bullying once, then maybe I can still help you.  I can certainly help the defeated Mom or defeated Dad plan another battle for another day.  The keys to tomorrow’s fight (that is, child custody modification) are:

1.  cooperate with the judge’s order in the meantime;

2. practice silence as power with your ex; and

3. don’t engage (or act) crazy.

Let your opponent have the room he/she needs to sabatoge themselves.  They’ll likely do it.

See 3 Rules for Success in Family Court Litigation on this website.

The day for fighting your custody case anew will come — it always, inexplicably does. My view is that you should do the following if you want that day to come:

1. prepare for the next fight;

2. contemplate the next fight; and,

3.  remain open to allowing the day to pass without starting another fight.

If there is a path for you to win, I can help you find it.

But the better way to live life is to assure that it’s always the right journey.

The Power! Sickness & Bully Court

Regardless of the mix of masculine and feminine energy, the blind pursuit of money, status and any low-vibration, base desire, changes us.  The social climber (Activist!) becomes less-than-human by insisting that he/she knows what’s best for other humans. That’s a universal phenomena.

In truth, people who seek power over others are obsessed with being ‘more than‘ others.  Their powerful! labels are merely ideological flatulence (tolerance, diversity, or, god forbid, ‘leadership‘).   It’s empty language — word porn — translating into nothingness for people who don’t share the obsession with social positioning.

As souls, most of us won’t have a singular, selfish obsession with social status.  But the childish, fearful souls who demand! social power cannot understand that at all.

Phones off, no gum chewing, no talking and no reading in court!

Unfortunately, weak, unevolved souls dominate politics, religion, media and every institution, including courts. Bottom feeders dominate all cultural power structures.  Apparently, they must learn that social power struggles reflect fear — the ultimate human weakness.  The obstacle (fear, expressed through power) is the path to their evolution.

It’s natural for us to judge everything and share our version of ‘good’ news with others.  But the universal human tendency to impose our personal will upon our neighbors — whether in the name of god, policy or justice — is not a good thing.  We interfere with their path.

As the proverb suggests, it’s because the wicked (the weak) accuse, that the just must necessarily defend.

Courts are not filled with souls seeking justice.  Rather, courts are filled with souls seeking to impose justice, whatever that means to them. Courts are the culmination of social order, which is itself the culmination of one person’s triumph (imposition) over another.

So don’t trust your social programming.  We are spiritual beings stuck in human conflict who can, and should, have equal access to our children.  It’s our chosen destiny.

You are your child’s only mom — that’s always worth fighting for.  Your child, your right, your futures.

But the basis for your battle plan must be the law and due process, as we know it, now.

Resist the bully, she’s not your friend: Moms always matter.

Moms Fighting the Sisterhood Bullies

Regardless of which party’s ‘wave’ of infantile souls controls the bench, all parents of daughters already know that girls are typically more cruel to other girls than the boys are.  In an evolutionary sense, that’s logical, of course. But social programming promoting a vulgar feminine magnifies the problem.

Experience tells me that girl bullies get away with being mean, and that their capacity for cruelty is valued as a strength instead of the deep confusion that it represents.

Thus, in a courtroom, it’s important that Mom prepare herself to, indeed, fight whenever she goes to battle for her child.  It does not matter that your judge is female, that the opposing lawyer and the Amicus are females, or that the mediator is a female.  As the father of a daughter, please hear me:  the clip art in media does not accurately portray the reception you’ll get from people who derive meaning by wielding power.

Other women will condemn you as a Slut! or a Nut!quicker than a man.  Then, they’ll cackle that they’ve saved a ‘sister’ by doing so. Women get terribly confused in this society.  The love of power only exacerbates the confusion.

Indeed, those who trumpet Change! and cantillate GirlPower! are utterly insincere — they’re great at cliches, but weak on results.

You’re a mom and you love your child.  You’re not an empty interest group.  Your access to your child is a right, not a sales-pitch.

Fathers Fighting the Idiocracy

In 2016-2019, I represented at least a dozen dads who won primary or equal custody of their children.  I love my Dads.

But the Age of Men passed awhile ago.  Most judges in Harris County are female.  Soon enough, most lawyers will be female.   Women already outnumber men in colleges by about 7 to 3.  More women have jobs than do men.  Yet, Programmed Media paints a different, dystopian picture: “We MUST! get more of our daughters into STEM!” they drone. 

Instead, I say that we need to get more of our sons into jobs that don’t require that they carry shovels, guns and trash.

Men must withstand the very real poison of an angry, unhinged matriarchy.  If men don’t demand a place at the table — and fight the Partisan Tripe that imagines ‘glass ceilings‘ and a female majority doesn’t alreadyreceive equal pay for equal work — there won’t be any social hashtag movement to grieve the injustice.  

Men don’t whine.  Instead, we mollify the shrill, crass majority. We tell each other, Just man up!

We’ll view yet another disingenuous, fawning commercial touting PowerfulWomen!  and, ugh, GirlPower! … while our brothers of every color are displaced from opportunity.

But, alas, what about the Dads who don’t seek gainful employment to support their kids? Should anyone care?  My sense is, hell yes, we should:  the roles of Father and Mother are mystical, not mythical.   Each matters.  The tie that binds parent and child is not a cliché.

Can you blame any man who acts as if he’s irrelevant?  Media, culture and the coarse feminine majority tell him as much throughout his life.  It’s standard programming.

He attends preschools and primary schools whose staff and administration is 80% female, where he’s treated like an alien species.  As an adolescent, he’s surrounded by media that glorifies remote, fatuous sports and entertainment diversions for grown men and, yet, very positive, meaningful roles for girls and women.  He then visits colleges and universities lead by utterly mediocre hominids with sham Ph.D.’s, blathering that he’s toxic.

But it’s the culture that’s toxic. Not really woke, but quite dope(ish), indeed.

Resist the idiocracy:  Dads always matter — now, more than ever.

Guardianship: Ward of the Court

When someone lacks the legal capacity to act on their own, another person or entity can establish guardianship to manage the incapacitated person’s financial or personal matters. Guardianship is most often used for disabled adults and elderly people who have ‘lost it‘ … or never had it to begin with (so to speak);  or, children whose parents have deceased and inherit substantial property.

Establishing guardianship in Texas requires a court proceeding. Unless the incapacitated person is a child, it also requires a medical evaluation and a letter from a doctor who is currently treating the person in question.

Guardianships suck and I don’t like them (offensive to all rugged individualists).  But I do have almost 30 year’s experience in dealing with them, beginning with my own grand parents in the early 1980’s.   Would you want to be a ‘ward of the court’?  Would you want your snotty little brother to be named Momma’s (or Grand Daddy’s) ‘guardian‘?   Many of us reach that point.  But it’s a status which consumes public resources, turns everyone into self-righteous holy rollers and devastates your own estate in the interest of protecting us . . . from ourselves.

Avoid guardianship at all cost within the bounds of law and personal ethics.  Use powers of attorney, trusts and other means to keep Granny’s dirty laundry a private affair.

But if you get stuck in Houston Guardianship Litigation or in a Houston Guardianship Contest, call Scott Boates for an honest and experienced approach to the mess.